Monday, November 1, 2010

Dirty Dirty Tricks of the Zodiac


ARIES- wah wah wah wah! Why can’t it be about me! I want it now! I don’t’ want to wait! Aries is impatient, a horrible procrastinator, and they are very scatterbrained. If they don’t get what they want, they don’t mind hunting it down to their own detriment. They have many ideas but very few evolve into anything. Most of the time they still work off of family or money given by parents. It’s hard for them to cut the umbilical cord so there is usually some tie to parents whether its money or a living situation. If they are well off, they will live extravagant lives. They will seek attention and when it’s not received, they will sulk and seek it elsewhere. They also aren’t opposed to fucking you (literally or figuratively) and rolling out the door.

Taurus- Controlling!!! I am willing to bet there are more control freaks and people in anger management with Taurus as a sun sign or as a heavy placement in a chart than any others (what an interesting study that would be). I call these my ticking bomb friends. They are usually found having explosions in public, staying late at the office 24/7 to avoid going home, or busy playing victim. Sadly, they express a lot of their anger on those closest to them including parents, children, and partners. They can’t seem to find the fine line of appropriate and not appropriate. A lot of Taurus people will consciously or subconsciously have a chip on their shoulder. And just wait till you get two Bulls in a room together….a lot of foot stomping and bullshit. Relationship wise they can be heavily committed but will always have the roaming eye. God forbid if you do the same though! Consider it WWIII. A lot of Taurus people also are very accident prone…think Murphy’s Law. Anything that can go wrong will. These are the people that will insist that you let them fix something and then find out that it was worse after they fixed it than before. Not detail orientated. Very bull in a china shop-ish!

GEMINI- It’s extremely rare to hear a conversation about a Gemini without hearing “backstabber”, “liar”, “cheater” or “asshole/bitch” somewhere in the same sentence. Inevitably, there will always be someone the Gemini has royally fucked over on their childish pursuit for perfection and self-indulgence. Yes, even you Gemini female fatales have screwed someone over once or twice but the difference between the male Gem and female Gem is that the female will talk herself out of any situation and will have you intellectually confused as to what the hell you were talking anyway. They are masters of deceitful conversation and cover-up humor. They will use this to deflect and turn around any slight they have done to another person. Most of the time, they won’t know what they want and will keep you hanging on while they decide in their own time. If they have decided it’s over….you will never hear from the Gemini unless their world appears to be collapsing around them. They will write you off as fast as they wrote you in…ahem or undressed you.

CANCER- Whine, bitch, moan, sulk in pjs and eat ice cream for days, don’t answer calls, avoid people at all costs, whine, bitch, cry, sulk. Repeat. The zodiac’s biggest victims next to Taurus…god forbid if you combine the two. Cancer is famous for last minute ditches, back outs, and changes in mind and stance. No-show…prolly a cancer who couldn’t bear to bring themselves to see other people right now. Perhaps if all Cancers were on anti-depressants, they could actually have good relationships with other people. They will dwell for years on the hurts and past loves…forcing them to stay in the past. They will seek out people for material possessions and what they can offer them as far as family and security goes. I think a lot of Cancers are really victims..mostly of their own-doing because of the lack of their ability to stick up for themselves. They would much rather hide than face the world when times get hard. I also see that more people that are Cancers have issues with drugs, obesity, and food than any other sign. Masking something?

LEO- Not as controlling in a manner as a Taurus is but definitely next in line…Leo will do it with dirty looks, behind the scenes work, and plain out-right rudeness to your face ESPECIALLY if it threatens their position in a job, their thought out plan for seducing someone, or anything related to their money or possessions. Leo men are some down-right two timing one-night-stand freaks..they shudder in fear of commitment. Looking for a friend with benefits…Leo is your man. Leo women will take out anyone who makes them feel inferior with a dirty look, avoidance tactic, and a pissed off attitude. Leo women can commit more so than their counterparts but they had better rule the roost or you will wish you had never gotten involved to begin with. Leo’s also have an uncanny knack for dramatic flair and acting like they are holier-than-thou. They are also very straight to the point even if it hurts your feelings. I think they are more outspoken and truthful than Sags can be.

VIRGO- Rude and vain….that only covers the tip of the iceberg. Virgo’s are by no means virgins. What they are though are perfectionists and some of the quirkiest people of the zodiac. They don’t necessarily fit into any mold or social group. They are the zodiac’s outcasts but in defense of the zodiac’s meanness..Virgo’s do put themselves there. They will shut people out for years, give up on having relationships even when the right person comes along, and they will continue to shun and pick apart every person that comes into their life. The bachelor of the zodiac is definitely self-imposed. Virgo is fascinated by what they can’t have and will have many love affairs by imagination and infatuation only. They can be in long relationships but if the so-called love of their life betrays them… may take them years to allow themselves to love again. Virgo’s biggest fear is of themselves…thus making anyone who does love them..suffer to no end by someone who cannot make themselves happy.

LIBRA- I want to play! I am bored! I need something to do! Libra’s are always on the go and on the pursuit for playtime in a life they consider boring unless they have money and something to get involved in. Every love affair is the biggest to-do in their life and friends will want to hurl every time they hear Libra romanticize about it..which is every 5 minutes. Libra will also attach themselves to you and leave at a moment’s notice without any regret or lengthy goodbye. They can be jealous and possessive of their friends. They can be big babies when things don’t go their way.

SCORPIO- Talk about a fuck over! Scorpio will beat you down, spit in your face, and then even worse…give you the cold shoulder like you never meant anything to them. They will sweet talk you like you are the only man/woman in the world and then move right along to the next person and pretend you don’t exist. Under a Scorpio’s spell, you will be moved to sexual heights but heartbroken when you realize they only used you to get off. They don’t have a problem using people to get what they want, need, or desire whether it be a good lay, money, or a promotion. They can be quite a backstabber! I also believe there are more Scorpio stalkers than any other sign…well maybe Virgo comes pretty darn close…but a Scorpio who doesn’t get what they want will hunt it down and scare it off. Their intensity kills and can easily kill the mood every time they want to hear how great they are.

SAGITTARIUS- Abandonment! Sags have no problem telling you anything even if it hurts your feelings and they also don’t have a problem running away even if means leaving a family or lover behind. I am willing to bet there are a lot of Sagittarius runaway children in the world. They will seek out adventure and will not be quick to leave anyone in the dust who doesn’t find the fun in it like they do. They march to the beat of their own drum even if the drum annoys the shit out of everyone around them. They are also prone to addictions or obsessions. They can be hard workers even if the work they do doesn’t serve them well. They are fine staying in their little niche at a job even if advancement opportunities offer them better pay or more hours. They are forgetful, careless, accident prone, and again..they fall to Murphy’s Law even more than a Taurus or Aries does. Those people that incessantly run out of gas, lock their keys in the car or forget to dry their clothes…Sagittarius! Money burns holes in their pockets like an Aries. They often have child like wonderment and the women will dress like a teenager as they get older and still love fairies. The men will constantly seek adventure and will love the outdoors even to go so far as living in unhealthy conditions and camping in the winter cold despite frostbite. Many Sagittarius people will be comfortable living in apartments and bouncing from partner to partner with little care for responsibilities.

CAPRICORN- User alert! Capricorn will use you even more than a Scorpio. They too will give a cold shoulder and cut you dry when they are done with you. If you can no longer serve them a purpose, they will move on to the next person. They are prey to a pretty face and deep pockets fully of money and family status. People are looked at in terms of what they can do for a Capricorn. Although their work ethic is strong, they will usually be bad with money. Most of this money comes from other people…a parent, a partner, a sibling, or they will hole themselves up in their houses and eat nothing but crackers while cussing at the world..refusing outside help. The grass is always greener on the other side to a Cappy. Their relationships often fail because they become lazy and do not put any effort into them. Very selfish. The women of the Cappy world can go long periods without any relationships because people are quick to catch onto their game. Capricorns are also very slobby. They can live in their messes for quite some time.

AQUARIUS- Not very warm and fuzzy. Aquarius is a hands off kinda person. They don’t form close relationships and are very self-centered when it comes to their own wants and needs. Aquarians can be very addicted to money, shopping, and clothing. They crave attention and will go to whatever means they can find to get it. If Aquarius has followed their path of uniqueness..some of them can be religious fanatics or allow themselves to be completely immersed in a culture, worship an icon, or follow one pursuit of religion to another. It’s hard to pin them down as they bounce from one thing to next without much care for anything else. Aquarius men can be very unfaithful as they are natural born flirts and very flighty. Aquarius women can be more faithful but are in something if they think it brings them status or is what is hot in their world for a moment. Think of it has having something to flaunt on their arm.

PISCES- Pisces men can be mama’s boys to the point that it ruins their relationships with other women. Cancer men will do this too but not to the same degree. Pisces are laid back lovers and find that once they are in a committed relationship sex is not that important to them. This can also affect their love relationships. Pisces whine and retreat from the world almost as much as Cancer does..sometimes even more so. Pisces women can be so obsessed with pity that even their friends don’t stay too long because their supply of tissues run out. Pisces are not overly sexual people and they hide from the world. Their emotional needs can be draining to others. Life is one giant pity party for them. There are actually a lot of Pisces atheists out there as Pisces is too busy complaining and whining..they find that there must not be a God if they have given them this harsh life. Pisces is another sign that falls prey to drugs, alcohol and other addictions. They can often go long periods of time without relationships or stay in bad ones. Their emotions can be highly suffocating to others.

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